Letter to Loneliness

Dear Loneliness,

You’ve been a presence in my life since I was born, comforting me on the long days and nights when I cried alone. You provided a warmth and comfort to me when no one else would. Sometimes you quieted my screams and wiped away my tears. You were truly there for me when I had no one, and I thank you for keeping me safe.

I wish I had more good things to say about you, but that is where it ends. As I’ve gotten older, our relationship has become a complex mass of dysfunction. You abuse me daily, telling me lies about how I will never be good enough for others, that I always say the wrong thing, anything to bring me to my knees. On those days you win, and you have me to yourself, you continue to cause me pain by telling me how worthless I am for not having anyone in my life. Your entire existence is about nothing but wounding me. If that weren’t enough, you finish by punching me in the stomach or the chest, and I see you laugh at my helpless figure you have taken down.

I wish in this moment that I could stop loving you because you have shown over and over again that what you are offering is not love. The only thing you want is ownership and possession. It is with a reluctant heart that I am writing to you today to tell you our relationship is over. There’s a part of me that wants to hold on to you, to even try to stay friends, but after the way you’ve treated me that will never be possible.

As I hear you now telling me I can’t live without you, that my life will never be the same, I realize you’re right, it won’t be. Filling the void our relationship once occupied will be one of the greatest challenges of my life, but it is one I am finally ready to embark on. At first I will cry without you, but I will wipe away my own tears and replace your lies by telling myself I am worthy and enough on my own.

Forever in my heart, but not in my life,

Asa