Trauma Narrative: Animal Sacrifice

We’re in the big room of the brick building, lined up by rank in front of the metal table against the wall. My rank is Delta, I’m always fourth, Gamma to my left and Omega to my right. I’ve seen this table before and wondered why it was there, a metal ledge bolted to the wall at the height of us small children, far too low to be used by the men who towered over us. Standing in front of it now, I asked myself silently why there was a deep groove set in the front edge of the table. I was about to find out.

We stood very still in our line as the men simultaneously stuck the electroshock pads to our upper body. By then, I had become an expert at watching everything around me without moving my eyes. There were at least 10 men in the room, some wearing dark lab coats while others wore street clothes. I noticed they put electroshock pads on Omega’s legs too, he always got the worst treatment. I saw the mirror in front of us, reflecting our tiny faces back to us, but by this time I had figured out there was a room behind this mirror and we were being watched.

A test shock came, always a test shock on the lowest setting to make sure everything worked, but the pain was so bad we all fell to the floor. Alpha cried out and was kicked by a man in a lab coat. I had long since learned to tolerate the pain and was the first to stand back up at attention.

After all of us were at attention, a man walked down the line and placed a box cutter in each of our right hands. I wondered if we were going to be cutting ourselves again, but we weren’t that lucky. The same man went down the line and pulled a small, white mouse out of a box and instructed us to hold it in our left hands. “Execute order 472,” he said, but none of did anything. A shock at a higher setting and we all went down again, every one screaming except for me. Nobody got kicked this time. “At attention soldiers,” and we got up. The man held up one of the mice and cut it’s neck, walking behind us and letting the blood pour out near our feet as we watched in the mirror. That was the day I understood why the floor was black, black floors show no blood.

“Execute order 472,” he said again, and without hesitating I cut the mouse’s neck. I was the only one, the other kids fell to the floor, screaming, and men came forward to kick them. I silently watched out of the corner of my eye in horror. I can’t remember what the man said next, but he congratulated me for following orders, another reason for the other kids to hate me. Another man came and removed the dead mouse and washed the blood into the groove with a small hose. By that time, everyone was at attention and another mouse was placed in front of us. When the order was given, I cut it’s neck too. I stopped watching the other kids, but I heard their screams so I knew they weren’t following orders. Omega and I disobeyed orders for a second to look at each other, and I realized he looked dead. I wonder now if I looked the same to him.

I slit the throat of each animal put in front of me as ordered, first mice, then rabbits, then cats. By the last one, I was covered in blood, so much that it dripped onto the floor from my elbows. The smell of death, sulfur, and iron made me sick and dizzy. Thankfully, I had learned to control my breath and not gag, not that it mattered much as we had been deprived of food and water for days. After I killed the last cat, I realized the other children were lying motionless on the floor. The words “last soldier standing” went through my head, a phrase I had heard often, and I knew I would get the best cage and my pink blanket. I had successfully learned the lesson of burying my soul so deep inside of me that I felt cold and dead inside, and my heart turned to ice.

I was led into the cage room, stripped naked, and hosed off before being placed in my cage with my pink blanket, finally safe. Later, the other kids were put in their cages too and I felt their eyes burning into me with hate, but this time I didn’t care. I turned by back to them, facing the door and fell asleep.